Talk:Ayaka Chouwa/@comment-5335468-20120803013504

Finally read the whole thing. Now I can give you a proper critique. So I am very happy with all the time and research you put into the character development. I love the story line and I think it's very interesting that you made her mother have Hemophilia. It's very original and an interesting aspect. When reading this, I tended to get headaches. Not that the story was too long, but because of the fact that you didn’t read all of it over again. I found typos and grammar mistakes, words that were not necessarily in the right places and so on. I found this to be a bit of an obstacle while reading, but all in all it was good. ^_^ I don't have a problem with her traits, but there are certain qualities about her that will mistake for Mary Sue traits. These things would be the qualities such as she is not disobedient and she is always respectful. It isn't human to be perfectly respectful. Correct me if I am wrong, but that's the impression I got out of it. Second problem I had was that you made her comrade have the last name Uzumaki. That is also a Mary Sue trait that some people would find irritating. Like I said, I have no problem except those two. I really enjoyed reading. ^_^ This will inspire me to write more on my page. xD