Talk:Hibiki Kigiku/@comment-24132811-20131106034956

Hi! I followed you back from a page I just commented on, because I adore people who recognize Mary Sues.

There are a lot of things to love about Kiku. I like that you don’t relate her to any of the canon cast and that you exercised restraint with her abilities. She also seems like she’d blend in well, physically, in the Narutoverse. I like that she’s only a special jounin and not a full-fledged one. There are a few things you might want to take a second look at, though.

If she was 3 years old when the Nine-Tails attacked, which coincided with Naruto’s birth 12 years before Part I began, then she would be 15-16 in Part I, and 18-20 in Part II.

Her parents’ occupations are slightly off. They aren’t unreasonable but there’s something not quite right about them that I can’t articulate. What if Ran was a lead scientist for the laboratory and Aoi was a master of tea arts? The geisha thing doesn’t work quite right for a married woman with two grown children. As a master of tea, she’d still do the whole ceremonial thing, wear a kimono, etc.

Could we see a little more about Ran’s reasons for sending his daughter to the Academy?

Does she depend on others because she’s incapable of doing things herself or because she’s unmotivated?

I think you may have gone too far in restraining her abilities. A person of her rank wouldn’t have poor control over chakra and I may be wrong, but the chakra point interference thing was a Hyuuga clan ability. I don’t recall ever seeing any non-Hyuuga use it. Her taijutsu would also have to be stronger to support her right to rank. In a battlefield, someone who can’t pull her own weight is a liability that may get everyone killed. Also, at her rank, she should have at least theoretical knowledge about genjutsu and know how to dispel it, even if she’s not a strong user herself. A lack of stamina is another problem and one we don’t see (I think) in canon. I believe all shinobi have at least comprehensive first aid knowledge. It just wouldn’t make sense otherwise for them not to in their line of work. … Frankly, if I knew nothing else about Kiku and read only her abilities section alone, I would think she’s a genin, not a chunin who survived the exams or a special jonin.

She doesn’t seem to have enough missions completed for special jounin with an 8-year service record. She should have closer to 380 missions.

I'd love to see her with a bit more self-confidence. There's no room for crying and hesistation in the middle of battle.















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<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal">I agree with Kitty Kozuki that Heiwa is ticking all the Mary Sue boxes. Before I begin, I want to say that I mean absolutely no harm. My remarks are given only because I would want someone to give me feedback, too. My OC is precious to me and I want her to be the best she can be. I believe you do, too, and that’s part of why you’re here. So here we go. Deep breath and smile! ^_^

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal">First, the obvious conflicts:

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<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            She cannot be a member of Team Kakashi. Team Kakashi is comprised of four, and only four, members: Kakashi, Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke/Sai.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            She cannot be a member of the Eight Man Squad. The Eight Man Squad was comprised of eight, and only eight, members: Kakashi, Yamato, Shino, Kiba/Akamaru, Sakura, Hinata, Sai, and Naruto.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Her graduation age is problematic. Every single one of the current generation, including even the most skilled such as Neji, graduated the Academy at age 12. Itachi and Kakashi were noted exceptions. With allowance made for her genetic advantages as Kakashi’s sister, it would be more believable if you upped her graduation age to 10. Her promotion age is probably fine. Exactly when did she become jounin? Knowing these details will help you accurately determine how many missions under what mission ranks she could’ve reasonably completed.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Rethink her stats. Might Gai is a 5/5 in taijutsu, Kakashi is 4.5/5. Are you saying she’s better than Kakashi and on par with Might? I strongly suggest you reconsider ALL her stats.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Her mission record is unbelievable and a statistical improbability. As of the start of Part II, Kakashi – the most accomplished and renown shinobi in Konoha – had approximately 24 years of service. His service record averages – per year – 48 missions (8 D, 8 C, 17 B, 12 A, 2 S). In contrast, if she worked as prolifically as Kakashi, her record as of Part II for 9 years of service would be around 428 missions (74 D, 71 C, 155 B, 112 A, 16 S)

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Kakashi was an only child. He also stated very clearly in Part I that everyone he cared for was dead. If we allow that he may have had a sister/cousin/whatever, we must also consider Kakashi’s personality. As an adult, he isn’t the kind of guy to hate his own relatives, which means he would’ve cared for her. If everyone he cared for was dead as of Part I, Heiwa is also dead as of Part I.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Sakumo died when Kakashi was a child, and was dead long before the attack on the Kannabi Bridge in Kakashi Gaiden. At Naruto’s birth, Kakashi was 14 years old. Your OC is currently 17-ish, making her 12 years younger than he is, at minimum. Sakumo would’ve been dead before she was ever conceived. Further, Kakashi’s mother died when he was very young, and could not have been alive to give birth to her, assuming you intend for Heiwa to have the same mother as Kakashi.

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<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal">Now for the less obvious stuff that are more observational than clearly stated in canon:

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Setting the mathematical contradictions aside, even if she was born to Sakumo and Kakashi’s mother, Kakashi would’ve been the one to raise her as both parents died early on. His personality suggests that he wouldn’t tolerate a sister who physically abused everyone at the slightest provocation or who shot off her mouth without thinking. Further, no character in the series has this sort of quirk and it’s out of place in a Japanese culture-based setting.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Genetically, Kakashi and Sakumo are tall men. While it’s certainly possible that she could be petite, it’s hard to believe.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Culturally, someone who spoke without thinking too often would be shunned by the social group. So far, your OC fails to blend in whatsoever with the established culture. Even Naruto has tact. And Sai. On occasion.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Kakashi is clearly shown to do his own grocery shopping and it can be inferred that he cooks for himself. He also lives alone in a one-room apartment that lacks a kitchen.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Genetically, Sakumo and Hatake both have brown/black eyes. While it’s possible that she would have blue eyes, it’s unlikely, especially since blue eyes are recessive in a brown-eyed family.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            For each of her negative points, you counter with a minimizer. This undermines the effort you’re putting in to make her more realistic. E.g. “she has a flat chest but she is actually very adorable”. It’s fine to give her a flat chest, but make her self-conscious about it, or make it her hot button. Don’t off-set it.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Her outfit is incredibly unrealistic for her line of work and her rank as jounin.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Making her stronger than Tsunade is a first-class Mary Sue offense. Almost no one is stronger than Tsunade.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            A wooden katana sword wouldn’t survive actual combat conditions with opponents wielding sharp metal.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom: .0001pt;mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            It’s incredibly unlikely that Summons are determined by personal preference. If they were, Tsunade probably would’ve chosen a different creature to partner up with.

<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-add-space:auto;text-indent:-.25in;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;mso-bidi-font-family:Calibri"> -            Her BMI is 12.5 which is virtually skeletal. Increase her weight a bit. Asian women typically weigh less in proportion to height, so you might be able to get away with 34 or 35 kg, minimum.