Talk:Momoko Sora/@comment-5853484-20140219233628

I promised you a comment so here's a super long one. I hope it's what you're looking for. 😊



Background  I honestly don't have a problem with her being a descendent of the Uzumaki as it has been shown that the Clan has spread out pretty far and though Naruto is the only "Uzumaki" there have been canon examples of others (exp. Karin and Nagato). I do like Uzumaki OCs and am glad that you chose not to go with the obvious by making her Kushina's n ie ce  or something. And I really like that you didn't have her involving herself in Naruto's childhood li k e some.  I do see the pos <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">s <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ibility <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> of Hiruzen taking in an orphan possible, especially one related to his students. But it does begin to make her drift into Mary Sue category by making her an Uzumaki, relative of the Nidaime, <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;" lang="EN-US">and <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> adopted and raised by the God of Shinobi. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{145}" paraid="1470096255" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">I can believe a certain bit of isolation and protective nature due to her heritage. But I believe it would be better if perhaps you used a different method of tra <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">um <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">a <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> besides the kidnapping. It's already happened to Kushina and using it for one of your OCs seems alright, but using it for both Naomi and Momoko seems excessive. If it's just her mother than protectiveness will be justified, especially given that she has the Uzumaki family looks. You don't have to take my suggestion and I still like her either way. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{150}" paraid="1094365175" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">I feel like her position should have more of an impact on her personality and <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ch <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">oices. I also feel like you didn't acknowledge exactly how this would effect her. Does he resent her <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> Position <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> and want to rebel like Asuma did? Does she really want to follow in her great-grandfather's footsteps or is she a candidate purely by virtue of her bloodline? How was she spoiled or treated differently? Did she have a special tutor like Konohamaru? Did she feel burdened by her leadership position like Hinata? How did she handle the political and social pressure? Did people try and use her for their own gain (exp. faking friendship, sucking up, etc.)? Did she step up and try to fill the political <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">po <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">sition <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">her heritage entitled her to and seemed to force her into? How did she feel about the pressure to continue the line? Did this ever effect how people <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">wanting her to continue it <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">reacted to her admittedly dangerous career choice? <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{153}" paraid="1187185489" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">Also it seems like a contradiction that she was extremely spoiled and thought of as special, but still mercilessly teased and bullied. It seems like if she had a publically known high standing the kids would have treated her differently, if only because of their parents. Just look at Konohamaru and Sasuke's treatment since they were both "special". Plus if the adults were spoiling her like that they probably would have cracked down on any bullying especially hard. I really don't think it would take away from anything to have her not bullied. She can still be kind and compassionate, but given her position I believe it would be <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">m <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ore realistic. <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> And if you do make her a little spoiled and aware of her position, it would only make her more interesting and give her some very human flaws. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{156}" paraid="1279415417" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: bold;" lang="EN-US">Personality <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{160}" paraid="2045555063" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">Momoko seems lacking in flaws to be honest. True she has the Uzumaki temper, but it doesn't seem very prominent in her story and I don't see any clear examples <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> besides the incident with Naruto's return <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">. It isn't made clear about how exactly she's overemotional as I believe her reaction to <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">Hiruzen's death, under already stressful circumstances, to be a <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">very <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> natural reaction as he was the only parental figure she had. The depression after a friend abandons you without a good reason also seems normal. If these traits have such impact on her then I think it would be <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN"> bet <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN">t <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN">er <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN"> to show examples of her temper and her over <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN">r <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN">eacting <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN"> without being under the duress of unusual circumstances. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{163}" paraid="1838575803" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: bold;" lang="EN-US">Abilities <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{166}" paraid="620809694" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">I understand her chakra nature being Water due to her Uzumaki nature as the name Whirlpool implies the association and the Nidaime's own nature. I even like the fact, but her other powers are <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> different <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">given her heritage. Lightning release seems to be a little odd <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">. The nature release is <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">predomin <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">a <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ntly <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> associated with the Land of Lightning and Konohagakure is mostly Fire Release (at least it is supposed to according to the nature association with the lands). It is of course possible for her to have lightning release (just look at Sasuke and Kakashi), but I'm simply wondering if there is a particular reason? <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{171}" paraid="1703679153" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">The Chidori though is only supposed to be possible for a Sharingan user. It would be more likely for her to have learned either a modified version (which is what I did <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN"> with my OC <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">) or make he own lightning technique, which of course would be possib <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">l <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">e <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> with Kakashi's help. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{174}" paraid="1961237704" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">Now as for the rest of her powers. How exactly did she learn how to summon the cats? I'm not against it, just curious as Nekobaa is the only one seen with them so far. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{179}" paraid="2041968286" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">I understand wanting your character to be powerful, but her stats being equal to Kakashi (one of the most powerful characters aside from Itachi and Jiraiya) and greater than Naruto <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;" lang="EN-US">and <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> Sasuke <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">. It just <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">seems too powerful. <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">Sasuke is probably the biggest Mary Sue in exist <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">e <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">nce <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> and he only got to 31.5. Even her first stats are a little extreme as Neji was only 21 and he was stated to be an extreme case and the most powerful rookie. Again I'm not saying you have to change her stats, but I'm just saying to <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> maybe <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">consid <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">e <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">r <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> lowering them a little. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{182}" paraid="1999752468" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: bold;" lang="EN-US">Plot  <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{185}" paraid="1360665924" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">Now I love that your plot allows for her inclusion in canon, without altering it too much. Though I did notice she seems to parallel Sakura a bit (exp. losing her temper with Naruto's immaturity and being with Sa <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">k <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ura <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> dur <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">i <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ng <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> the invasion). I liked Part I quite a bit, because she wasn't a character wh <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">o <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">befriend <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">s <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> everyone or was forced into Team Seven's plotline. She was herself <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">, <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> distinct and sep <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">a <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">rate <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> from them. I even l <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">i <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ked <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> how she lost because it showed she wasn't super powerful and unbeatable l <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">i <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ke <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> some OCs. Though it does some a little at odds with her stats being greater than Neji and Gaara's. <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">I <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">t's a good thing though and makes her more likable and realistic. Her having a storyline of her own is interesting <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">. I honestly want to hear more about her during that time. How did her team interact? What were the <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">i <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">r <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> adventures? <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{188}" paraid="652576307" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">I don't have anything wrong with her interacting with Tsunade (they are relatives), but I want to know more about her reaction to Tsunade's ret <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ur <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">n <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">. Is there any bitterness for Tsunade coming back for Naruto, but not for her when she needed a relative? Do they become close? Is Tsunade interested in getting to know her younger cousin? Is there any jealous over Tsunade having such a close relationship with Sakura, who isn't even related, but could be considered a sort of sur <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">r <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ogate <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> daughter? The same could be said for Shizune. Does Momoko feel any bitterness about Tsunade taking Shizune (who isn't a relative since Dan and <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">T <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">sunade never married), but living what most people consider her only living relative? What is the relationship between the four women? As for the medical techniques it's clear most of the kunoichi picked up medical jutsu after Tsunade's arrival. Did maybe Hinata and Ino learn with Sakura and Momoko? Obviously Tsunade is the apprent <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">i <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ce <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">, but it's possible that the other girls and Momoko could have bonded during this time which could lead to some interest <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">i <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ng <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> relationships and adventures in Momoko's life. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{191}" paraid="119181984" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">Kakashi teaching her does make me interested in their relationship. Clearly she fee <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ls <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> comfortable enough to ask and he knows (and likes) her enough to give in, but how did it happen? He honestly didn't di <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">d <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> a lot of training exercises with Team Seven whe <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">n <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> they were genin and focused his spec <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">i <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">al <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> techniques on Sasuke. I love Kakashi, but he did seem to lean more towards Sasuke and to date was only shown teaching them all tree walking, before they found their own individual teachers to make them bad butt. His own team were special circumstances as Naruto was Minato's kid and Sasuke was the only Uchiha left, so Kakashi would have felt obligated to help out. So it makes me want to know if Momoko and he had a relationship beforehand (other than her showing up on some missions) or if maybe she was forced to convince him. That would definitely be interesting to hear about if that was the case. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{194}" paraid="1795751637" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">For Part II I have to say again how glad I am that you didn't break canon, but still managed to fit in Momoko's story for the Kazekage Rescue Arc and I love Momoko admiring Hinata (at last someone appreciates Hinata's awesome move). <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{197}" paraid="627711335" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">The only problem I have is with the Konoha History Arc, the Kage Sum <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">mit <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> and the first three movies. You've kept her out of mixing with canon so well and not warping it, but during these you put her in places she never was. I'm not saying she can't have history with Team Seven, but you seem so creative. I feel like you could come up with different missions that could include her and maybe even show some of her and her teammates. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{200}" paraid="1141381812" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">Now I love, love, LOVE the reunion with her parents, because it's just perfect. How exactly did they resist it enough to not fight her though? Also I love the reunion of her team especial <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">l <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">y <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> the very pointed change of uniform. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{203}" paraid="126223352" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">As a side note, I loved her personality in Road to a Ninja. It was very creative and a n <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">i <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ce <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> twist on her character. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{206}" paraid="954110258" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: bold;" lang="EN-US">Overall <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{209}" paraid="541972020" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">I can see you've but a lot of thought into her and I enjoyed reading this. You clearly worked very hard on her and you can tell. I hope what I've told you is helpful and I hope to see you add more. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{212}" paraid="1295653723" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">My worst critique is some of her slightly Mary Sue qualities which is her large stats, being there for certain bits of the storyline where she clearly wasn't, and history. But truthfully Mary Sue qualities exist in everyone's OCs so don't be offend or upset about it. Everyone does it whether we admit it or not. This can be easily balanced out if she has enough of a personality and distinctness (not meaning strange off the wall names or un <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">n <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">a <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">t <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ur <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">a <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">l <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> coloring) to make herself her own character and if you show her training and hard work to get so powerful. Plus you need to consider how every incident in her life could effect her personality and maybe work on filling out that section little. <span class="EOP SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;"> <p class="Paragraph SCX44989454" paraeid="{83b82194-ee5b-421e-a3de-c6c874121d2b}{215}" paraid="879902727" style="text-align: left; color: windowtext; text-indent: 0px; font-family: "Segoe UI",Tahoma,Verdana,"Sans-Serif"; font-size: 6pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">Now again whether or not you take my changes depends entirely on what type of OC she is for you. Most of my crit <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">i <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ques <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> and comments are based on the assumption you are using her in the "not breaking canon" rule. But if it is otherwise than you can ignore the storyline comments refer <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">r <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US">ing <span class="TextRun SCX44989454" style="line-height: 18px; font-family: Calibri,Sans-Serif; font-size: 11pt;" lang="EN-US"> to it. Overall I liked her a lot and I hope this is helpful.